IT'S A LITTLE BIT TOO LATE TO PLAY MOMMY AND DADDY.

Anna is pissed, she is raging mad!!  To say the least she is furious and the hot steam coming out of her nostrils confirms this. Okay, well, I might have exaggerated for there wasn't any steam but, I can assure you a bull from Dallas would have cowered at her wrath.

" Morning Anna how a-....."
" I can't believe this" she cuts me off.
"....-re you" I dryly finish my salutations which apparently were falling on deaf ears (pun intended).
"somehow, people forgot to mind their own business" she continues. " Apparently my dress seems to be mystically opening and closing the supposedly eating apparatus on their faces causing irrelevant words to pop words out!!"
"And what has your dress got to do with that?" i ask already tired of the conversation.

Normally, it never bothers me if her skirts/dresses are as short as a campus relationship but hey, a lady gotta be concerned when all the jamaaz at the office forget their well cut suits and start huffing, puffing and panting like hyenas salivating at fresh meat at the sight of Anna. Not that i care or anything, I mean, those guys are good for nothing anyway. Free advice: she should try maxi skirts and dresses like me.

Seriously though, we're still in Africa so the aspect of communal parenting is still there. Fold the fish while it is still raw; okay, that translation was horrible allow me try again if you please..'Samaki mkunje angali mbichi'. (there, clap for me please!) What i'm trying to say is, it's a little bit too late to play mommy and daddy of the year 25 years later after habits have already been formed and are solid.

Telling Anna to change her dress-code will be as easy as playing a guitar to a goat.I assure you they'll hum along and nod at your every tune!!

DEVOLUTION  #Kenya@50

You know, i thought my boss was being petty when he said my hair color was too conspicuous i had to re-dye it, wait till I heard M.Ps seriously -  meticulously - arguing and agreeing in unison, that governors should remove the Kenyan flag from their cars. Really,what the HELL?? Is it just  me or are our politicians just triffling. 

Ngimurok has just died.
Ngimurok is, or rather was a boy less than a decade old  in the North-West semi arid area of Kenya called Turkana. He was born underweight and continued to suffer malnutrition till his last 6th year on earth. His parents didn't even mourn, the village didn't even notice he was dead. Why? Because child mortality is as normal as the 1.5M entertainment allowance on a governor's payslip. 

So do i really care if Kidero puts 10 flags on his Rolls Royce? Do i seriously give a crap if his name starts with your excellency? The only person i can give ear to is honorable Andai who opposed that motion as at 1128 hours Wednesday 2014 but as expected, the whole house attacked him like a bunch of sharks (wait, that's too good a name),like a bunch of hyenas who've smelled blood.

In the name of devolution, i sincerely urge you 'honorable' members of parliament, to mature up and discuss serious motions, for example, allocating more money to needy counties instead of giving them to the Wamboras in government who use it to construct 150M (which is signed off as petty cash) mansions for themselves. Had you even noticed that Elianto that was Ksh 300 four years ago, is now Ksh 960? Oh yeah that's right, you own most of these organizations and are mostly responsible for hiking the prices of these basic commodities. Need i say who is responsible for hiking oil prices? as 'wananchi' and not 'wenye nchi' we humbly say 'TUNAKUJUA!' Even Ocampo and Bensouda know you.

And this ladies and gentlemen, is devolution #Kenya@50!!!!

WHEN GOD CREATED SEX, HE DIDN'T PUT A NAME TO IT

The actor Michael Douglas highlighted the link in June last year when he blamed his throat cancer partly on oral sex. could it be ? How? What's the risk? Should oral sex be off the agenda? would that be unrealistic?

Ladies are vaccinated against the virus at 13 to protect them against cervical cancer; so clearly they are less at risk. 

Many cancers in younger people are the result of the human papilomavirus ( HPV), often passed by oral sex.

Read more at: http://www.standardmedia.co.ke/?articleID=2000106037&story_title=need-to-vaccinate-boys-as-change-in-sexual-habits-lead-to-mouth-cancer

When God created sex, He didn't put a name to it. He didn't call it doggy, 69, oral, missionary or any of the 100 or so listed in the Kamasutra manual. What is mentioned is that Adam knew his wife and she was with child, not throat cancer. Call it being old-school but the world would be rid of cervical, throat and prostrate cancer if it stuck to the normality of God created sex that was mainly meant for procreation.

Homosexuals are at a higher risk of being infected with S.T.Is like chlamydia, gonorrhea or syphilis seems which  increase risk of cancer.

One wonders what happened to morals and straight men and women. If your arm causes you to sin then cut it, so if oral sex increases your chances of getting throat cancer then stop it. If having sex with multiple partners makes you gullible to cervical cancer why not stick to one partner; or better yet why not abstain and save yourself the trouble and torment of getting on with a cancer riddled life?

But again, the choice is yours,we live in a free world where orgies are as simple as eating ugali.

 SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET

Today i really looked stupid,my boss asked me what tribe i am from and i proudly said I'm Kenyan while wearing that banana smile us folks used to write about in compositions.Everyone suddenly bursts out laughing and since i didn't get the joke, i stare blankly at them and flash a shy smile at random faces hoping to get an explanation from a sympathetic non concerned audience.


In Luhya dialect,  my boss said " hawa ni wale wajinga wa Nairobi wanajiita dotcom". After the thunderous laughter had abated, he mockingly asked in swahili, "sijakuuliza unatoka nchi gani, nimekuuliza wewe ni wa kabila gani?" A few years ago Ekko Dydda came to our church to perform and  afterwards he participated in an interview in which he was asked what his surname was. He simply said his name is Sam Ekodyda and he is a Kenyan, refusing to say his other name which would have given his tribe away.

Since that day, i vowed to say I'm a Kenyan, except of course, when a handsome man asks me, I will proudly say I am from Werugha (good thing is most of you don't know where that is- hehe, just kidding).

It is such a shame that at this time and age, even after all that bloodshed in 2006\2007 we can dare be tribal. " sisi waluhya lazima tusaidiane" said my boss in his vernacular. "unajua vile hawa wakikuyu husaidiana sana so we must follow suit". I am disappointed, truly I am, because all those peace campaigns and 'Let's unite' talks were all in vain. 

So I try to convince my colleagues that Kenya is bigger than their tribe but little did i know that goats would have made a better audience! know what, i  really don't care what you think or what you believe in, but i care that you do not introduce your children ( of which some, BTW  are from my generation); to the skeletons of tribalism in your closets. Spare the innocent children tafadhali who don't know the difference of a donkey from you. Iin fact, i am proud of being a dot-com because my life and that of your children revolves around cities and we don't really give a crap which tribe we come from so long as we got our groove right! Now how's that for a laugh, BOSS?"

 thursday bluez

Today I'm in a super good funky mood you know why? because tomorrow is furahiday. anybody feeling me? and furthermore i had my breakfast at feyamont the No-fork,(yes i was at the No-fork. kwani nini? i was invited by a  friend). and you know you are in a nice place when there are chandeliers everywhere and jazz music playing in the background and the watchmen are in tuxedos unlike the njugunas where a guy in blue overalls coerces you to get in because "reo kuna ire specio customer,igia ujionee na ujiojee".anyway, when i got in, everyone be looking at me like " you a thug?" and kwanza at the door, even the guy with an Abraham Lincoln kofia welcoming wazungus  gave me the 'are you lost' look. when i was walking in town with my pencil skirt and heels i wish i hadn't worn, i was really feeling good because i knew i was looking amazing. wait till i looked around at the junguz in the place, everyone was dresses in shorts, t-shirts and sandals. have you ever felt out of place. But a girl gotta do what a girl gotta do; straighten my shoulders, hold my head high, flip my hair and briskly walk to my table. 
Just when i was having an awesome time, a jungu who appears to have swallowed an inflated balloon walks to us and says to me, " are you in the business? because i pay very well" my date almost chokes on his coffee and honestly I'm in shock, a state of trance actually. I had had enough. Enough of this white men and enough of these black men and women pretending to be white. I was outta there.

 OFFICE MUCHENE
 this ladies and gentlemen, is how my week started

So it’s a Monday morning and my loud mouthed friend whom I haven’t seen since Thursday (valentines’ eve) keeps on yapping about how “romantic” her valentine was and wouldn’t just shut up. I am newly single so the last thing I really want to hear about is how her boyfriend did this and that for her. I’m not being a sadist but hey, give a girl a break and let’s talk about something constructive say for example, how to stone a man who stood you up on VALENTINE’S DAY.

The faint far off ache in my head soon turns into a fully blown migraine as she tells me how she ate chocolate with him after going for an extravagant shopping extravaganza. “Moni will be the death of me,“ I mumble to myself as I Slowly  see my life flashing before my eyes. But something snaps me back to life. Wait a minute! Isn’t her boyfie up in Dubai working his a$$ off so as to support her??

I promise you I am usually not this slow, but you mean the 7k coat, Italian shoes, bouquet of tulips and orchids, 15k shopping, 5 geez of pocket money and dinner at the Norfolk were not from her official better half but from her clande!! Wololo, one wonders what she ‘paid’ or promised so as to get all that. I mean, who in this Kenya, with the high rise in inflation can give you his 5 bob for free (keeping in mind it’s the lowest currency).

Our boss comes into the office so Moni scurries off after exchanging rather excessively warm pleasantries. This gets me thinking, normally, he ( the boss) shouts at us all the time, but of late he’s been treating her nicely and never yells at her. Hmmm, I wonder why……? anyway, its none of my business so I better get back to work because this scripts ain’t gonna write themselves.

WITH LOVE….. FROM NINAR-PEDIA

I officially want to be the one to send you this literally, 9 hours before D-day, or should I say the ‘ V-day’? Anyway, happy valentines to all of you single and hooked up ladies, this is to let you know that you do not need any man for survival or mere existence. You’re normal honey, ata kama you’ve been single for the last five years. There is seriously nothing wrong with you, except for the fact that you’re not pretty or just fat, hehehe I’m just messing with you, please don’t take me seriously because all of ya’ll are fab and phat ( not sure of the meaning).

I’m sure By now we’ve all read the crap about how Hercules died for love, how Achilles ‘kicked the bucket’ (pun intended because there were no buckets during those days apart from metallic tins) but he died as a result of a poisoned arrow shot at his heel which was the only vulnerable area of his body because he was believed to be a god; if you follow up the story you may find a relation of his love for a woman and his death but I don’t. Thing is, Achilles was walking in the garden when a jealousy-stricken brother-in law to be, shot at him so as to keep the girl he was in love with from being married. So it really wasn’t a “you’ll have to kill me first to get to her” or  “I will die for you” sort of thing and, Romeo and Juliet were just but fantasy characters of the legendary Shakesphere.

That said and done, for those of you going out for dates kesho  be sure to invite me to your baby shower on October or even a month later will still be fine.

Na btw I’m not a “all men are dogs” kind of girl :P I have a man in my life who is very likable sweet awesome and loving.