thursday bluez

Today I'm in a super good funky mood you know why? because tomorrow is furahiday. anybody feeling me? and furthermore i had my breakfast at feyamont the No-fork,(yes i was at the No-fork. kwani nini? i was invited by a  friend). and you know you are in a nice place when there are chandeliers everywhere and jazz music playing in the background and the watchmen are in tuxedos unlike the njugunas where a guy in blue overalls coerces you to get in because "reo kuna ire specio customer,igia ujionee na ujiojee".anyway, when i got in, everyone be looking at me like " you a thug?" and kwanza at the door, even the guy with an Abraham Lincoln kofia welcoming wazungus  gave me the 'are you lost' look. when i was walking in town with my pencil skirt and heels i wish i hadn't worn, i was really feeling good because i knew i was looking amazing. wait till i looked around at the junguz in the place, everyone was dresses in shorts, t-shirts and sandals. have you ever felt out of place. But a girl gotta do what a girl gotta do; straighten my shoulders, hold my head high, flip my hair and briskly walk to my table. 
Just when i was having an awesome time, a jungu who appears to have swallowed an inflated balloon walks to us and says to me, " are you in the business? because i pay very well" my date almost chokes on his coffee and honestly I'm in shock, a state of trance actually. I had had enough. Enough of this white men and enough of these black men and women pretending to be white. I was outta there.

 OFFICE MUCHENE
 this ladies and gentlemen, is how my week started

So it’s a Monday morning and my loud mouthed friend whom I haven’t seen since Thursday (valentines’ eve) keeps on yapping about how “romantic” her valentine was and wouldn’t just shut up. I am newly single so the last thing I really want to hear about is how her boyfriend did this and that for her. I’m not being a sadist but hey, give a girl a break and let’s talk about something constructive say for example, how to stone a man who stood you up on VALENTINE’S DAY.

The faint far off ache in my head soon turns into a fully blown migraine as she tells me how she ate chocolate with him after going for an extravagant shopping extravaganza. “Moni will be the death of me,“ I mumble to myself as I Slowly  see my life flashing before my eyes. But something snaps me back to life. Wait a minute! Isn’t her boyfie up in Dubai working his a$$ off so as to support her??

I promise you I am usually not this slow, but you mean the 7k coat, Italian shoes, bouquet of tulips and orchids, 15k shopping, 5 geez of pocket money and dinner at the Norfolk were not from her official better half but from her clande!! Wololo, one wonders what she ‘paid’ or promised so as to get all that. I mean, who in this Kenya, with the high rise in inflation can give you his 5 bob for free (keeping in mind it’s the lowest currency).

Our boss comes into the office so Moni scurries off after exchanging rather excessively warm pleasantries. This gets me thinking, normally, he ( the boss) shouts at us all the time, but of late he’s been treating her nicely and never yells at her. Hmmm, I wonder why……? anyway, its none of my business so I better get back to work because this scripts ain’t gonna write themselves.

WITH LOVE….. FROM NINAR-PEDIA

I officially want to be the one to send you this literally, 9 hours before D-day, or should I say the ‘ V-day’? Anyway, happy valentines to all of you single and hooked up ladies, this is to let you know that you do not need any man for survival or mere existence. You’re normal honey, ata kama you’ve been single for the last five years. There is seriously nothing wrong with you, except for the fact that you’re not pretty or just fat, hehehe I’m just messing with you, please don’t take me seriously because all of ya’ll are fab and phat ( not sure of the meaning).

I’m sure By now we’ve all read the crap about how Hercules died for love, how Achilles ‘kicked the bucket’ (pun intended because there were no buckets during those days apart from metallic tins) but he died as a result of a poisoned arrow shot at his heel which was the only vulnerable area of his body because he was believed to be a god; if you follow up the story you may find a relation of his love for a woman and his death but I don’t. Thing is, Achilles was walking in the garden when a jealousy-stricken brother-in law to be, shot at him so as to keep the girl he was in love with from being married. So it really wasn’t a “you’ll have to kill me first to get to her” or  “I will die for you” sort of thing and, Romeo and Juliet were just but fantasy characters of the legendary Shakesphere.

That said and done, for those of you going out for dates kesho  be sure to invite me to your baby shower on October or even a month later will still be fine.

Na btw I’m not a “all men are dogs” kind of girl :P I have a man in my life who is very likable sweet awesome and loving.

move on already

 Allow me to be your thesaurus and Wikipedia for the day and describe a few English words we all are familiar with but do not really have insight to their meaning. Word number one is 'walk'. This means to put your legs in motion one after the other in a slow or rather quick motion. Two is 'run'. To run is when you increase your walking motion to seven steps per second (i.e. if you are Usain Bolt) or a mere two steps per second if you are overweight (which sadly most of our population is). Lastly we have 'flee'.

 I want you to understand something, running in itself is fast already now picture seeing your dead cat coming towards you at 2 o'clock in the night with two heads and appearing as big as a goat and to top it all it says "hello honey, I've come back from the dead to make you pay for......" if you're thinking what I'm thinking, that your cat can talk and is undead then you'll get the heck out of your bed (assuming you'll be in bed) and ~come on let's say it together~ flee from there.

Do I have a point in all these lamely put semantics? Yes, I do and it’s about reminiscing. It is not a bad thing that is if you have moved on of course. In case you haven't id suggest that you FLEE from that page honey otherwise you'll be going back to your bin to check old emails and restoring photos and videos from your recycle bin which I like to call 'past'. in case you are being as petty as I have a feeling you are, would you please stop thinking about your ex boyfriend or girlfriend, I'm talking about addictions, bad habits, behaviors and evils you and the rotten part of society has approved to be morally correct. Now that I have your attention, would you please cut off the dead weight from your list of this year's resolutions and just move the heck on. I need it, Kenya needs it. Why? Because the rate of highly depressed psychos and bipolars is becoming increasingly high in our country. Good bye good people, I still love you though :P

 

IF A SNAKE BITES YOU, BITE IT BACK

A farmer was in his rice farm at night when he felt something bite his leg. He quickly went in his house to get a flashlight so as to see clearly what had bit him. It was a cobra.

Before you say ‘kai!’ let us put ourselves in the farmer’s shoes and gauge our options. Should you tie the upper part of the leg  or should you run and scream for help which by the way, will increase your pulse rate hence blood will circulate faster and as a result the venom will spread throughout your body intoxicating your blood, heart e.t.c. point is you will die. On the brighter side, stay calm, breathe, tie the leg and call for help (assuming you have a mobile phone).

The farmer then bit the snake. That’s right; he opened his mouth and bit the cobra. I don’t know about you, but I imagine a snake let alone a cobra with a fat head full of venom, has very hard skin considering it’s a reptile; I honestly do not quite get the picture clearly in my head but he did it.

 “If a snake bites you, bite it back and you will not die”, said a snake charmer from Nepali

So the farmer took the advice and chomped it to death. Did he live? Of course, how else would we have come to know of the story. Five quick lessons from  this story: always listen to advice regardless of the source, thoughts should come before actions, deal with problems as soon as they occur, do away completely with a problem generator and lastly for the love of God, please please do not go farming at night when you can’t see a damn thing or snake.

                                                                                                     bahati

                                                

It takes courage

Bad things happen, “so what?” the cynical you ask. Do you suggest that I deal with it and move on or ‘build a bridge and walk over it!” well, neither am I Hercules and therefore can’t crush the 7 foot gym attending burglar who broke into my house with one fist nor am I Albert Einstein to scientifically calculate my way out of a problem I am sinking in by the second.

But tell you what, I am me. Simple as it is, I’m just me. I get disappointed when I get to the other side of the rainbow and discover there is no glorious treasure, or when I frantically dig at a spot marked X, because of a promise of discovering hidden treasures comprising of ancient magenta crystals and priceless twinkling diamonds; only to find an old empty rugged trunk.

Truth is I get hurt, frustrated and annoyed….. But I move on. I move on because I always get something better on the way. I get an opportunity.

An opportunity to experience a whole new world that money couldn’t even buy. I was my own teacher and my own supervisor. I struggled, strained, damn I even panicked; but most important of all I learned. I learned to live, I may not have got what I wanted but I acquired what I needed. Nevertheless, it wasn’t easy; it took courage.

So, should I still ‘build a bridge and get over it’ as you earlier suggested?

I have a question for you though:  what is easier? Building a bridge over a 50 feet mountain of problems or calmly figuring your way around and walk past it? You be the judge

PS: if a burglar breaks into your house, don’t reason with him! CALL 911 and run the hell out of there!

 

                                                                                                                        Peninah bahati

On our lips but not in our hearts, Kenya @50

Another story, another tear….. a moment of silence please. A moment of stillness as we requite yet another dozen lost souls: hundreds of unfulfilled dreams and thousands of destroyed ambitions. Last year I’d have said 42 were the devil’s favorite number and Narok-Bomet his favorite name. Should I say America’s September 11^th 2009 or should I stick to our own September 14^th 2011.just a bunch of numbers and dates huh? What of September 20^th 2013? Does it by any chance ring a bell?

A careless driver here, an ‘I’m on top of the world’ cigarette smoker there and a vengeful terrorist over there cost thousands of families their loved ones.

‘stale news’ is what you’ll think as u hurriedly skim through this to get it over with; but for me it’s a lost brother, sister, aunt, uncle, mum and dad. Pitiful it sounds (I agree) but shameful is what it truly is because humanity has  long forgotten and long lost its conscience.

“Honey where are you? Are you ok?”

”Yeah I’m in school and I’m okay. You?”

….the conversation goes on and the line eventually goes dead and so does your conscience as you sigh and ‘thank God’ it wasn’t your biological brother or sister or whatever that died. So another human feature story it is. (makes the headline actually). Few ministers pretend to shed a tear here and another there claiming to “all we can to find the perpetrators” but what happens a few days down the line? The chapter is closed and they are off to their campaigns and blah blah blah. But hold up Mr. Politician and you too an unconcerned self declared patriotic citizen of Kenya dutifully celebrating Kenya @50; that there on the picture on the obituary is your brother, sister and parent too.

So don’t you forget the bond that ties you to your fellow human making him and your brother. Westgate terror attack, Sinai fire, Narok-Bomet  road accident, Bungoma genocide………….the list goes on and on.

Hope, dreams and lots of ambitions last made contact with these roads and grounds where souls breathed their last. Graveyards aren’t the richest place anymore but these black spots are. a little mustard seed can go a long way and so does a little caution. A sober mind will also come handy and recommended as well in handling lives.

Another moment of silence please.